Marriage

Just thought of sharing an article that I liked. Read on...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?



I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.



My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.



She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

To Women with Love !

Yes, it was you (Eve), who was responsible for the fall of man. Yes, also agree that it was your (Draupadi) giggle that started the Mahabharata. You (Sita) were responsible for, Ramayana, also agree with that part. You (Helen) burnt Troy, agree. You are responsible for some of the greatest (remember Taj Mahal) and worst events of mankind, accepted. But why did that happen? It is because; we (men) need you. We’ll burn the world, wipe away humanity, and fight against God, for we need you. Bats are blind by nature, whereas though we have eyes, we are blind by character. It is you, who fills in the light in our lives and shape our character, so that we live like true honest men.

You (Mom) are always considered to be the weaker sex, but I understand your strength, for you bore me in your womb for 9-months and did almost all the daily routines and your man (father) only watched and helped a bit, which was his best. You bled, so that I may live. Your strength is what makes me breathe today, and makes me part of the stronger sex. Today, I proudly announce to the world that, I have a heart of a man and strength because of you. If anyone comes up to me, and says: ‘Don’t be a girl dude, be a man’, I’ll with an elan say, ‘I don’t mind being a woman, for my mother is one’. Next time someone says you are weaker, tell them about the son you have.

You (Mom) are considered to be nagging, but I understand that it is your constant nagging, that today makes me keep my room clean, walk straight upright, close my mouth while I sleep, pick up the rice bits after dinner- so that cockroaches do not roam around, write in good hand-writing, keep my computers motherboard intact by dusting it regularly, keep the required change in my pocket so that I can easily buy pop-corn at a movie. Don’t stop nagging, I may ask you to shut up like I always did, but you please don’t stop it, just like you never did.

You (Granny) are considered to be an old story teller and repetitive, but it is what gives me that extra answer to win in the tie-breaker of a quiz, a story to tell the little kids to keep them entertained, to tell my friends the history of a place to score that extra brownie-points, the ethics-the values-the culture for which people around me admire. I know you shall be soon, gone, but before you leave the earth, tell me the tales once again, even if I fall asleep.

You (sister) are considered to be the one throwing tantrums, but this is what makes me get my shirt ironed by just dropping you at the bus-stop. Your tantrums, keeps my room clean, your tantrums give storyline to my blogs. Your tantrums, makes me know, how much you love me, when I am sick. If it weren’t for your tantrums, I would not have known the art of combing my hair well, cleaning my shoes and get things from dad, which only your tantrums could do. If I had never fought with you for the TV remote, I would have never hated ‘Bobby Darling’, ‘Ektha-Kapur’, ‘saas-bahu sobs’. Keep throwing your tantrums, keep acting pricey, it helps me, with Dad and with other girls and for keeping me away from the TV-ghost. For without your tantrums and pampering, I would have never missed you, when you’d leave me.

You (friend), people say bitch about others, you are branded as gossipmonger, but if it weren’t for you, I would have never known the news about the most happening things, I wouldn’t have been on guard against the cunning foxes and vixen, I wouldn’t have laughed out till I cried at someone with a bad hair day, I would not have understood the difference between pale yellow and lemon yellow colors. It is because, you are in my life, I can cry in a corner and still not be laughed at. It is because of you I’d still have a friend no matter how many times you get hooked up or break-up unlike guys, whose friendship and time lasts only till he finds a girl. Spread gossips, bitch about others and keep me close to your heart, for you are the one who keeps me sane and hopeful.

You (Love); most of them say is a headache, a burdened commitment. But am glad, I’ll someday have you. For then I shall know, how to look at life in a different way. If I wouldn’t have this headache, I would never shaved properly, never eat in the best restaurants, would not work that extra hard to earn that little extra, would never stop smoking and boozing, I would not enjoy the rains. Someday hope you will give me these headaches, for I want to understand people’s emotion, write the best poems, and plan for the future.

You (wife), they say is a trouble. And I am happy I‘ll have joyful troubles. Trouble of being a man, trouble of keeping my woman happy, trouble of being a rock-star’s father, trouble of taking you to the most exotic places on earth, trouble of spending and saving money, trouble of being addressed as someone’s hubby, trouble of crying with you, laughing with you, sharing a life with you. Without you, I’d be happily left alone, with no one to wish on my birthday and no one to cry when I’d die. So keep making troubles in my life and give me kids, who’d make my life happily-miserable. For I want life, and for that I need you as a trouble.

I do not how else to thank you, you exist in different forms, from being the one who makes sure I’m never late to the office, to the one who nurses me when lying hopelessly on a hospital bed. We need alcohol in our systems to have guts and speak the truth, but you do it just like any other thing. It helps. You teach me the first alphabet, and you make me write Romeo & Juliet kind of stories. You are the life of a song and the death behind the death-meal. You are the soul of Titanic movie and the brains behind simple but most essential things. Unless you point out to me, I do not even know, who my father would be, who my brother would be. Einstein swears by you, a baby hopes by you, Edison learnt from you, a Kolkattan destitute smiles by you(Mother Theresa) and irony is even a pimp lives by you. You are degraded by some of us, yet we hold you the most dearest in our lives. You may well be just a rib of Adam, but you are the breath and reason behind every man.

To all the lovely women in my life, who are present now, and would come in as I move-on in life. Love to you. May your lives shine, so that I’ll be fine, I may sound like a selfish-dog, but in your case, I am happy to even be a dog, for I wish to be faithful.

Dedicated to all the wonderful women in my life(the ones who are present, the ones to come).

Aasta La Vista!!

Dad n Son

A story worth sharing 4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder,how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child. There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child. With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket! Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation: "Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles.. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..." At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy. A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten.. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up. However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy..... Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too! Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year. His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy. My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..." After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say..... I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash. And one of the letters broke my heart.... Dear Mummy, I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room.. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think..But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear? After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife.... For the females with children: Don't do so much overtime . If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company , and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious. For the married men: Drink less, smoke less, cause nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients. Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable. Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones. For those singles out there: Beauty lies in loving yourself first. With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss , so nothing matters more than your well being.

The Reality - a short story

Date: Today
Place: kalyana mandapam, chennai
Finally, the marriage is taking place today. I was waiting so long for this. And now it’s happening. First big occasion in my life. All the pre-marriage ceremonies were going on. It’s a Brahmin marriage. So needless to say about the ceremonies. Yes, she is a Brahmin. My angel. I was restlessly waiting to get a glimpse of her in her wedding saree. I was pretending to be chatting with my friends but my eyes were searching for her. Still 30 minutes to go for the auspicious time. Damn. That’s a long way. I thought I could do a little flashback of my life.

With her. 7 years ago.
Place: 12th grade chemistry lab, school, some developing town in TN.
Generally I’m quite a reserved person. I don’t speak to girls much.(like most of the TN guys). I used to be the topper in school. So all girls speak to me only to clarify their doubts regarding studies. She studied with me from class 3. Now we were in class 12. That’s 10 years. But we would’ve spoken hardly 10 times. It was yet another regular day in chemistry lab. All of us were fighting with pipettes and burettes and some solutions. Being a topper, obviously I fought harder than others. After class I went near the basin to drain the resultant solution. Good timing. She was already there. She saw me with her cute eyes.

She: hi padips (studious), got the output???
Me: ya… you??
She: me too. I wanna ask you something??
Me(surprised): why. whats that? Ask.
She: why is that you don’t speak to girls much?
Me(stammering): I…i…I don’t know. Not like that.
She: you know what? I really like you very much. I wanted to be friends with you. But don’t know how you’ll take it. I was hesitant for long time. Now I told. Please accept me as your friend. Please please.

Completely taken aback. I never expected this from her. I was expecting something like ‘what is the color change to record the pH of the solution?’.

Me: ya sure.. I fell for the girlish cuteness on her smile.
Me: ok bye.. I’ve to complete the record notebook. See you later.

Yes I was such a dumb head. I was so happy for the next few weeks. I never spoke to her after that lab incident. I always wanted to speak. But didn’t know how, when and what. I wanted her phone number desperately. We didn’t have any mobile phones that time. Somehow I got her landline number through my friend’s friend who is her friend. I gave her a ring and literally my hands were trembling when I did so. I was praying that her mom or dad shouldn’t pick the phone. Someone said hello. Thank god it was her. I spoke to her the first time on phone. I was happy that I did my part on becoming her friend. So, that’s how our friendship journey begun.

Today: Finally my wait was over. The priest at the center of the marriage hall asked the bride to come forward. There she came. With a maroon silk saree draped around her beautifully in madisar style. I could see the fear of getting married, on her cute round face. The fear of being the center of attraction. She looked beautiful more than ever. Marvelous, stupendous, cute, classy, elegant…. I scolded myself for my lack of words and my poor vocabulary. She sat at the center of the stage. She was smiling. I looked at my watch. Another 20 minutes left for calling the groom to stage. I thought that’s enough time to rewind how we both ended up here in this situation.

4 years ago:
Place: college, Chennai.
Both of us got into the top university of the state as we scored well in our board exam. That’s the default college where all toppers of the state study. So no one could blame me that I chose the same college as her’s. Our friendship journey, thus continued and we became more and more close. I liked her for the way she was. Innocence at its peak. She loved the way I cared about her. I advice her a lot. I was so happy that I got such a friend. I didn’t know why but I never had any love feelings on her. She was my best friend and I was so happy with it. In fact content with it. Until………. One day

She: I wanted to say you something personally.
Me: what is that?
She: first assure me you won’t mistake me or get angry.
Me: sure tell.
She: I fear I may fall in love with you da.

OH MY GOD. What the hell did she say now?

Me: what? She: no da. You are so close to me. and you take care of me so much. I fear all these will make me fall in love with you.
Me: so you are going to love me? or leave me?
She: no da how can I love you. You are my best friend. Before I could respond
She: ok leave it da. I am embarrassed to speak about it. Needn’t speak about this anymore. Don’t worry I’ll be alright. I’ll be your old friend. It’s just that I’m new to this kind of affection.

So I was not allowed to speak about it anymore. Could a guy be the same after such a thing told by a girl???? Everything around me changed. You have to be guy to experience how it felt. Guys fall just for a girl’s smile. But now this girl had told me that she may fall in love with me. Oh my god.. I was in heaven. As a Java programmer, I should say I was instantiated. I was expecting her to propose me any day. At least I was expecting her to speak about this topic. But she never did. She also refused to speak when I myself ask anything related to it. I thought I should give her a break. May be she was afraid of taking such a huge decision now. I know about her. She is innocent and afraid about making decisions. So let me wait. Where is she going to go? Waiting is pleasure in love. I was not the same old friend from that day. My ringtone changed from “Swat kats” theme to “SMS movie theme” (oru paarvaiyil). Suddenly she appeared beautiful to my eyes. She was always beautiful. But why didn’t I notice it till now? “Surya” will be a perfect match for her. I look like “Dhanush”. But even Dhanush got his chance to act with “Shriya” and “Genelia”. So why won’t I get a girl like her? I became possessive on her from that day. I cannot accept her being close to any other guy. I used to admire her in every dress she wore. I waited to see her every day.

Today: They’ll be calling the groom any time now. I was getting ready. My brother’s daughter came running towards me and told that the priest asked the groom to come to the stage. I lifted her and walked towards the stage. My angel saw me coming. With a lovely smile she greeted me with her eyes… I went near the stage….

6 months ago.
Place: Chennai .
College days were over. I was working in a software company. A more responsible person now. So was she. I never regretted my decision of waiting. We were excellent friends through these years. Caring and supporting each other more than ever. I was still confused about the right time to express my feelings. Obviously afraid of the consequences. But damn sure she would accept me anyway. How the hell would she refuse me? I was her most beloved person for almost 6 years now. It was my birthday. I had a few surprises from my close friends(including her). We all met after a long time. It was a pleasant evening and we were enjoying it at Marina. She was playfully teasing the sea waves from touching her feet. I had her mobile in my hand. Casually browsing the pictures and videos in her phone gallery, I came across this particular video suddenly. It was her in the video and she recorded it on her own. She started speaking on the video. It was addressed to me.

“She: Hi da…., a very beloved birthday wishes to my beloved friend ever. I want to…………” Suddenly she snatched the phone from my hand.
She: hello sir,,, what are you doing?? These things are supposed to be surprises….
Me: hey gimme that.. don’t worry I’ll react as if I’m surprised. Shall I say ‘Oh My God?’ after seeing that? Or else temme what you would like to hear. I’ll react accordingly.
She: No just wait till night. Can’t give it now.
Me: please???
She: no!!!!

So once again I was excited in life. I got the wildest imaginations about what could that be. I was restless. I wanna know it soon. Adding fuel, some of my friends even commented that my surprises were not finished and my biggest surprise is yet to come. Damn How can a guy wait? Somehow I got the feeling that its her proposal. The video was for four minutes. Wasn’t four minutes enough for proposing? How should I react? I shouldn’t accept immediately. Let me have some fun. All sort of craziest thoughts circled my head. Finally I saw the video. Absolute disappointment. It was the usual stuff of how much she values me and my friendship, blah , blah… complete four minutes of praising our friendship. The surprises which my friends meant came from my parents. I had to appreciate her for the effort she put in for making my birthday memorable. I was lucky. But not lucky enough. Again I was instantiated. May be referenced this time. More than ever. I can’t wait more. I felt the time has come. But I thought I should wait a month more. It’ll be her birthday next month. I thought of giving myself as her gift. I started dreaming on how to propose her. I couldn’t sleep properly anymore. As wise men said, for the first time reality became more beautiful than dreams. A few days were left for her birthday and so I haven’t proposed yet. My cell phone beeped and it was a message from her.

She: hey you know what?? They started seeing alliance for me.

That was the most shocking news of my life. What the hell… My heart felt very heavy. Damn… I couldn’t bare the pain. I didn’t know how to react. But eventually my reaction was

Me: Wow that’s great. So when’ll be ur marriage then?
She: mostly by next April or May.

Immediately I started counting the number of days left. That’s hardly six months. I was not able to digest it. Just 6 months. I didn’t know whether I should propose now. All these years I had a strong belief that she’ll obviously accept when I propose. All those beliefs shattered. Then she added

She: my dad spoke to me yesterday. He almost broke down. He told how much he values me and said I should earn respect for the family. He asked me not to love anyone. By the way, which dad asks his daughter to love someone? I was sitting in my room lonely thinking of my fate. I wanted to cry badly. I couldn’t sleep. I was sure she won’t accept now if I propose. I decided against it. My days became the slowest ever. I wanted to share my sorrow with someone. Unluckily all my friends were her friends too. I couldn’t take risk on that. My cell beeped again.

She: you won’t feel ah? That I’ll be leaving you in another 6 months. I’ll miss you very much.
Me: no I won’t. I know this’ll happen and I was prepared for it. You’ll have to leave your dad, mom and bro. It’s just like that. But Six months is too little time. Anyway I’ll manage. (Blatant lie)
She: so you won’t feel?
Me: I’m saying no na. Then what?
She: Imagine right now I fall in love with someone. That time will you feel?
Me: why? What difference does that make from the previous question? I’ll feel the same only. I told la someday its gonna happen anyway. Then what?
She: no… me selecting someone is different from my parents selecting someone. If I select someone myself, won’t you feel why is that someone not you……. I mean I was so close to you more than anyone else. I wanted to change the topic. I don’t want to speak about it anymore. I’ll surely break down. I seriously got no idea what girls mean or want. The most mysterious creatures…..
Me: so how would you like ur husband to be? How should he look?
She: well obviously like all girls expect he should be fair and handsome . I never felt myself handsome in my entire life. First time ever I started feeling inferior about my appearance. Maybe that’s why she didn’t want me, I thought to myself.
Me: and what should be his status? Like salary etc.
She: he should earn at least 75k and he should own a house and a car. Now that’s four times my salary and I don’t even a own a bike. Inferior and more inferior.
She: and preferably I want a groom from foreign countries. Like Singapore. But not U.S. Well I’ve been out of TN 5 times at the maximum and never crossed Karnataka or Kerala. Inferiority kills me. I wanted to hide my face somewhere. In one way I was happy that at least I could make up a reason for the unanswered question of ‘why not me?’. I couldn’t message her anymore. I gave some excuse and told will continue later. I wished that later never came. But it did come. She asked the same question which I didn’t want to answer. The same what if she selected someone by herself and that’s not me. Me: why should I feel for that. Its your choice and as a friend I’ll help you in making that decision. That’s it.

She: so you never thought why you shouldn’t be the one I select?

I don’t wanna answer. I was losing my control. What the hell she wanted….. but she continued

She: ok what if I fall in love with any of my friends other than you? Like sachin, dharan or parthi? They are my friends too. When I decide to love a friend, wont you feel why that friend is not you….

My situation was like that of simbu’s when he says “yenna try panra jessi????” (what are you trying ‘jessi’?) Me: so that means you have some feelings for one among them. She: no I didn’t mean like that. I just gave an example.

Me: so if you choose among them, who has the highest probability?

I didn’t wanna ask this question. But somehow it came. But I never expected an answer. In fact I don’t want an answer for it. But she answered.

She: obviously sachin. I’m more close to him than parthi and dharan. That was it. The first thing that came to my mind was that sachin is a Brahmin. So I had another reason to make up. Frustration, fear of losing her, inferiority and now newly added possessiveness made me lose my control.

Me: FYI, I’m more close than sachin.
She: ya, but I can’t love you la….
Me: why is that?
She: you are my best friend da.
Me: so?
She: how can someone love their best friend da?
Me: on which planet or culture, did they frame that rule? I haven’t heard about it.
She: no da… how can a girl be intimate with her best friend?
Me: so a girl can be intimate with her other friends but not best friend?
She: no I said sachin as an example only.
Me: ok leave about him. So you are ready to be intimate with some stranger your dad shows but not with your friend who does everything and anything to make you happy?
She: I’ll feel embarrassed to think my friend in that way.
Me: just now you accepted you’ve chance of falling in love with sachin. Won’t you feel embarrassed with him? She: what happened to you suddenly? Just now you too said, you won’t feel, when I get married and you are prepared for it nu…
Me: It’s really sad you can’t find that it was a lie..
She: so you’ll feel then?
Me: what the hell you thought of me? some robot without a heart? Even robots love nowadays.
She: then why did you tell a lie?
Me: what difference will that make now? You have your own “only Friend-no Lover” theory.
She: seriously I can’t love you da. I never thought you like that.
Me: silly girls. You expect your husband to be a good friend. But you won’t accept a good friend to be your husband .
She: you won’t understand it. Please leave this topic. I’m sorry for asking you that question.
Me: yes I don’t understand. I really don’t understand. But you??? Either you don’t wanna understand or act as if you don’t understand. I accept I don’t have the money. I’m not good looking. I don’t live in Singapore, but I just bet you one thing… no one will ever care for you like I do. No one can keep you happy more than I do.
She: just leave me alone please.

Yes I left her alone. I didn’t disturb her after that. I was hurt. I had no courage or hope that I’ll convince her. I started maintaining distance from her. I should practice to live a life sans her. I knew it’ll be difficult. Sometimes she used to ask why am I not the old friend anymore. She asked as if she don’t know the reason.

Today: She sat on her dad’s lap as in Brahmin’s tradition. She didn’t lift her face. She was constantly seeing down, like any other girl during marriage. The priest passed the sacred thread (thaali). I had a lump on my throat. Then………….. HE collected the ‘thaali’ and put three knots. Yes…. “HE”…. A fair and handsome looking guy working in ‘Google’ and earning 1.25L. The couple is likely to go to Europe in a few days. I wished them good luck and left the marriage hall soon. I couldn’t stay there more. I never drank in my life. I had no reason why I didn’t. May be because she doesn’t like it. But that day I did. She is no more mine. I can’t disturb her anymore the way I used to. I can’t share my deepest secrets with her. I can’t be the first one to wish her ‘happy birthday’ every year. I don’t have a shoulder to cry anymore. I can’t tease her for her new hairstyle. She is gonna be close with someone else. She is not gonna ask ‘are you ok now?’, for every hour, whenever I fall ill. She is not gonna share the gossips with me anymore. She is not gonna ask me how her new dress looks, even though she knows my answer will be ‘it sucks’. And above all, to be modest, being an ordinary guy with all human feelings, I really can’t accept the fact that someone is gonna enjoy her today.

Few months later: My cell phone rang. And yes it’s a sad love theme song now (“Pogadhey” in yuvan’s husky voice). It was her. I spoke to her after a very long time and it was some ordinary greetings between two distant strangers. She was happy with her new life. And I’m happy to know that. Towards the end of the conversation, unexpectedly she asked

She: when are you gonna marry? You shall love someone la. To get over the feelings. If you miss me so much….
Me: why? You framed your own rule and asked “how can a best friend become a husband?”. I’ll love a girl and what if she frames her own rule and asks “how can a lover become a husband?”. I hung up the phone immediately……